Komm, süßer Tod
by Last Haven
Summary: Severus remembers.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the associated characters. Much love to Briannah from the Potterficweekly forum for beta reading this for me.**

* * *

"I wish that I could turn back time,

Cuz now the guilt is all mine,

Can't live without the trust from the ones you love.

I know we can't forget the past,

You can't forget love and pride,

Because of that, it's killing me inside."—Komm, süßer Tod from the End of Evangelion

* * *

The first time Severus saw her, he very nearly didn't give Lily Evans a second glance. He was lying behind some bushes next to the playground because he was too tired from the long jog to get up and play just yet. Severus would be in trouble when he got home, but he was always in trouble anyway, so he figured he might as well do something to justify the screaming he'd hear when he got home. He would have caught his breath sooner if he wasn't already overheating from his jacket, but finally he sat up. Just before he stood, he glanced around in the half trained way he did at home when he checked to see if his father was about. Beyond the bushes, he saw a pair of girls just his age on the merry-go-round, spinning it fast enough to make it blur. One of the girls, whom he could only see as a trail of red, was already on, while a blonde girl huffed as she ran around and around.

"Faster, Tuney!" laughed the red blur.

"I'm running—fast as I can," the blonde girl snapped. The other girl laughed harder and Severus rolled his eyes. _Kids,_ his father voice grumbled in his head as he started for the swings. The next moment, however, he paused as a shrill scream echoed from the merry-go-round.

He looked back quickly—he would never get used to sudden loud sounds—and watched as the red blur became a red-haired girl that flew through the air, still screaming. Severus bit his lip, but remained still as he watched the girl get tossed through the air. But instead of the girl ending up as a splat on the ground—Severus _would_ be in trouble then—the girl gently touched down, her feet tapping the gravel lightly.

"Oh," the girl said with eyes wide.

Her sister wasn't so calm, and was not so calm at the top of her lungs. But, as she besieged her sister with yells and questions, the red haired girl looked very curiously at her hands. Finally, the blonde huffed, seeing her sister was fine, and began to pull her sister away. "C'mon, if anyone saw that, we'll be in big trouble."

"I wonder how I did that…" the girl mused.

"I'm telling mummy 'bout you, Lily," her sister hissed.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're such a tattle tale, Tuney."

Severus watched them leave, his pants clenched between his fists. His first coherent thought was _magic_ then _Lily. _As was his third, fourth, and fifth, but then mister Jones, who lived two doors down and smelled like bad bourbon, found him and dragged him home, reminding him his father would skin him if he caught Severus out here. Severus let mister Jones pull him away, still thinking of the red haired girl, _Lily, Lily, Lily,_ who could do magic like him, who was just his age, who, on second thought, had the prettiest red hair he'd ever seen. _Lily, the witch._

Severus smiled to himself and wondered if she would mind talking with him.

* * *

Something happens when you want to talk to someone, but then put-off doing it for too long: Severus day dreamed constantly of talking to Lily, the red haired witch who was both pretty and just his age. He imagined he'd walk straight up to her and tell her straight off that she was special—she was a witch, she was like him, she was _better_. Better than he could ever dream, he'd thought, and on the days his father couldn't find his whiskey again, he imagined that they would be such great friends that she would let him come live with her for ever and ever, and that his father would never find him. (_Because if you're going to dream, might as well dream big, _he thought.)There's something that happened because Severus spent too much time dreaming up great fantasies instead of just talking to Lily: he built up his dreams too high, and when he watched Lily and her sister leave, he felt his dreams' sharp shards cutting his heart as they shattered.

But he was determined, and on the second time Petunia wasn't there, he didn't manage to offend Lily in about a dozen words. And perhaps it worked out better this time, because he didn't have a chance to plan this one out to have his hopes dashed so completely.

"You're the Snape boy that lives down by the river, right?" she asked suddenly, nearly making him fall off the swing as he craned about to look at her.

He stared at first. "Yes."

She bit her lip and Severus wondered if she was as nervous as he was. "Did you mean it?"

"Mean…about magic?" She nodded. "Yes, yes, I did," he answered quickly. Half afraid that if he gave her the time, she'd merely laugh him off and wander away, trampling over the remains of his heart. "I wasn't trying to be mean, honest—I can do magic too."

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Can you prove it? Can you fly, or make the flower open and close too?"

"When ever my father comes looking for me, I can make him not find me," he blurted. But then, that made the screaming all the worse, but he didn't think that she would like him if he said that. "But I can make them—the flowers—open and close if you want."

Lily's eyes were bright when she nodded. She followed after he jumped up off the swing, and he walked over to the bush. He made the flower bloom, and then brought sheen of sweat to his brow by turning it from pink to red like her hair. She laughed and Severus grinned like a fool. "I never tried to change its color before! Teach me?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but then they heard her sister calling loudly.

"Petunia," Lily said. "Guess she finally found her other shoe." She pushed the hair out of her face and turned back to Severus. "Can we talk about magic again?"

"Yes," he answered, trying not to sound too eager.

She smiled. "I'm Lily."

He nearly said _I know_ but quickly changed it to "that's pretty" because no one had ever said anything like it to him. She turned pink, and he prayed it was the right thing to say.

"I like yours too," she replied and Severus thought she should have been sainted. "I got to go—my sister's calling."

"I have to go home anyways," he lied, backing away.

"See you soon then, Sev," she waved.

Severus excused himself, and nearly jogged all the way to the corner of Spinner's End thinking _She likes my name. She wants to talk about magic again. She called me Sev._ Severus had never grinned so much in his life.

* * *

Fifteen minutes before then, Severus was sure that the only one he could ever really hate, well, besides Lily's stupid sister who made her cry, was his father. Fifteen minutes ago, only the thought of that spiteful, cruel man could make Severus's blood boil faster than a kettle on the stove. But that was fifteen minutes ago, and Severus was sure that he could manage to hate that pair of boys he and Lily had met in the other compartment. He was supposed to be happy, he and Lily were on their way to Hogwarts for their first year, but all he could think of was how much he wanted to go back there, and hex the pair of boys.

"It's a good thing I met you before I ever met a wizard like either of those _jerks,_" Lily said, putting as much disdain into her words as possible. "I probably would have wanted nothing to do with magic if it makes you like that."

Severus's gaze flickered over to hers and he felt himself relaxing. "Well, I suppose even some wizards can be jerks, but I know you wouldn't be like those guys—you're too nice."

Lily brightened at the compliment, and busied herself looking for a new compartment. "Here's one," she said, already slipping in. Severus hesitated at the door—he didn't want a repeat of what just happened—but inside was a thin girl, eyeing them with interest, and across from her was a boy who was deeply asleep. Probably harmless, Severus decided, and followed Lily in. "Mind if we join you?"

The girl shrugged. "I don't mind—_he's_ certainly not going to care for a while," she nodded to the sleeping boy. "I'm Elaine, Elaine Goldman. I don't know his name—he just dropped in and fell asleep before we even got moving."

"I'm Lily Evans, and this is my friend, Severus Snape—say hello," she prompted him quietly, but Severus only nodded. She rolled her eyes at his unfriendly manner, but then she plopped down on the seat next to Elaine so he had to take the place next to the sleeping boy. The rest of the trip, Severus mostly watched Lily talk to Elaine, but then the other girl excused herself to buy some candy from the trolley witch, leaving the two of the alone except for the still sleeping boy. "Do you think we should wake him up soon?"

Severus let his eyes flicker over to the boy for a moment, but quickly turned back to Lily. "No," he answered, _because you'll talk to him, and that girl just left, and you're my friend too, you know._ "No, he's just…really tired, probably."

"Suppose so," Lily replied quietly before fixing her gaze back on him. "Do you think I would do good in Slytherin?"

"I think you'd be great anywhere," he answered fervently. "-but I'd miss you if you weren't in Slytherin with me."

Lily smiled sweetly. "Oh, but you could join me in another house, couldn't you—or do you not get a choice in it?"

Severus frowned, not only because he didn't know the answer, but he disliked the thought of not being together. "Maybe—but I think it'd be best if we were both in Slytherin."

Lily looked skeptical but didn't refuse him. "We'll see."

* * *

She caught him right before he left to join the other Slytherin first years, she was still wearing her sad little smile from when she was sorted. "We can still be friends, right?" she asked him.

Severus glanced to where the other first year Slytherins were being led to. "Of course," he answered. "There isn't a rule against it or anything."

Lily tugged on his hand impatiently, and he looked at her. "I'm sorry we're not together, Sev, but as long as were friends, I'm sure we'll both be okay. See you tomorrow, okay?"

He nodded, forgetting about following the others to their common room. "Alright, but if you become friends with that Potter or Black boy, I'll never forgive you."

She grinned, and then she tossed her arms around him. All he could think was _she's hugging me _and _she smells so good_ and _she is so warm_. Then she let go, and he felt more bereft than he could ever imagine. But then she smiled brightly at him, and it was enough. "See you tomorrow, Sev."

"See you," he called back quietly as she ran off.

* * *

One bright, and chilly October afternoon, Lily turned and grinned at Severus as they crouched together behind the school. "Do you remember finding this place our first year?"

He smiled softly because, yes, it had been brighter, and warmer than now, and he could still remember her pulling him over to inspect a large crack in the courtyard's rear wall, remember her excited laugh as she saw the view of the lake, and remember the sunny light in her hair and his heart. "Seems much longer than three years," he agreed, drawing his knees closer.

She giggled, and hugged her legs too. "Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if we never knew we had magic?" she asked, looking dreamily at the light dancing on the lake's waves.

"No," he answered honestly before he thought better.

"No?" she turned, looking like a cat when it stumbles across something new. "Why not?"

"I don't…like to think what it might be like if we didn't come here, if we weren't friends."

She blinked. "You don't think we'd be friends if we hadn't found our magic?"

_Yes,_ he thought, but answered "no", because Severus wasn't stupid.

She grinned and laughed. "We were destined to be friends, you think?"

"Yes." Because he liked the idea of them destined to be together.

She turned to him, her face sunny, hair in artful disarray, and stood up, brushing off the back of her legs. "C'mon, you promised to help me on my defense homework, and I know you haven't got your charms work done yet either."

Severus wished she hadn't decided to get up and go, but then, it wasn't like she was leaving him behind, so he got up and followed her.

* * *

"Severus? Can we talk?" Lily asked, looking indecisive for once. Severus blinked, and glanced to Avery who didn't look too happy. Then the other boy left, so Severus walked to Lily.

"Do you need something?" he asked, frowning.

To his horror, tears came to her eyes as she reached out, and snagged his wrists. "Severus, tell me it's not true."

"What's not true?" he asked, feeling his stomach sinking.

"I heard the most _awful_ thing about you, Sev, and, oh, _please_ say it's not true," she begged, tugging on him. "Erik Rochester said you called him a-a _mud-blood._ Sev, say you didn't!"

Severus's jaw dropped. _Why, that bloody little snitch!_

"Please, Severus, if you tell me it's not true, I'll believe you. Jus-just tell me it's not true," Lily pleaded.

For a moment, Severus imagined telling her the truth. He saw two possible solutions—he could apologize, and she could forgive him, and they'd be stronger for it, or he imagined she'd never speak to him again.

"Sev, please?"

He couldn't risk her not liking him anymore. "Erik Rochester's a lying little jerk, Lily. You shouldn't listen to him."

For a moment, he can't read her expression, but then she smiled a little, and a tear escaped. She let go to wipe at her face with her sleeve, but she looked so relieved. "Oh, Sev, thank goodness. I'm so sorry I doubted you, but we never talk any more, and poor Erik had these big bruises—but oh, never mind. I'm glad."

"Well," he tried to smile, "maybe we should try and talk more—so we don't have this happen again."

She smiled. "Yes. Yes, we should." She squeezed his wrist. "I'm so glad."

And so was he.

* * *

Severus couldn't think of a time that he had managed to foul up even worse than he had then. He really was set on sleeping outside the Gryffindor common room if he had to; Filch, McGonagall, even Dumbledore could not have pried him from the spot before the Fat Lady's portrait. He didn't care if Potter and his cronies came running out of the portrait, blazing for battle, he was going to wait until Lily came out to him, and he was going to make it right no matter what.

And then, all of a sudden, she was there, and then she disappeared back in just as quickly.

Severus looked unseeingly at the now Fat Lady's portrait, which looked torn between sympathy and righteous anger, and tried not to cry.

Finally, he turned, and walked back to the dungeons, back to the Slytherin common room, back to his year's room, and dropped inelegantly on his bed.

"You look like shit, Snape," Avery commented dispassionately. "What, get dumped?"

Severus didn't answer.

Avery blinked. "That's rough. Mind putting some silencing charms up before you start blubbering?"

Severus didn't bother to reconsider before he hexed his fellow Slytherin.

* * *

Severus had really begun to despise the newspapers before he turned twenty one. It wasn't so much that they were inaccurate—which they were, but everyone knew that—but that they were too accurate.

Three years ago, Severus had been flipping through the paper when a name caught his eye, and he saw that it was an announcement for James and Lily Potter's marriage. He stared for the longest time at the picture of the happy couple before he got a pair of scissors and carefully cut James out of it. He tossed the rest of the picture and the paper into the fire before him, but he gently cradled the bit of her glowing ecstatic up at him.

One year ago, he had been idly reading again when he came upon another announcement in the paper, this time celebrating the birth of Harry Potter. Severus took great joy in watching the paper slowly curl and shrivel upon the flames.

On November first, Severus vowed to never read another newspaper as long as he lived. He let the obituaries land softly on the carpet before he began to stomp and shred the paper to bits.

* * *

That first day he first saw Harry Potter, it nearly staggered him to look down at him, and see Lily's eyes, _emerald eyes, softest green eyes, beautiful eyes of beautiful Lily. Beautiful dead Lily._ But showing such a reaction would have been like defeat, and Harry looked so like his father that Severus got over it quick enough. He just made a point to glare at the space between his eyes.

But now, now he is dying, and god, he hopes dying wasn't like this for Lily because she never ever deserved this pain. He thinks of all the time he's seen Avada Kedavra used, and he now he wished Voldemort had just used the killing curse. It was as if all his blood was being replaced by venom and oh god, it hurt, it hurt, someone, anyone, just make it stop, make it stop. He would give anything for sweet death, release just as long as it stopped.

And then there was Harry Potter, and damnit, for once in his life, couldn't he just have one shred of dignity? But then heard Dumbledore's words ringing in his head, and that was right, he was supposed to tell Harry. But he barely had the strength to speak. But then he remembered, really remembered and he tried to yell "Take it!", but it came out faint, and he wasn't sure the boy heard him.

But he had to remember, and Potter, damnit, he better know enough to take the memories. But once he started remembering, he couldn't stop and all sorts of memories came pouring out. Even as he looked into Potter's eyes—no Lily's eyes—he remembered.

_The first time Severus saw her, he very nearly didn't give Lily Evans a second glance. He was lying behind some bushes next to the playground because he was too tired from the long jog to get up and play just yet…_


End file.
